This is my fourth attempt at writing this post. My thoughts are unorganized and I am very emotional these days. So, get ready for a stream of consciousnesss…
I found a place in Dallas today for our family to move into next week. It’s a three bedroom duplex. Small -yet liveable for the short-term. While this is a huge burden lifted, I am feeling a little bit unsure of the decision. Mostly because I made it by myself…Bryan and the boys are still in Washington. B and I talked repeatedly over the phone, but I was the one actually there.
I don’t feel overwhelmed by all of the newness of being a grown-up in America it’s just a very strange sensation. I’ve decided to treat this move like I (eventually) treated the move to Africa…it’s okay to feel stupid and ask a lot of questions. Yes, I get a lot of weird looks. (You don’t know what Netflix is AND you don’t text?)
I’m also not sure how to act socially when I meet new people. Most of the new people that I met in Togo (that weren’t Africans) were other missionaries or interns or visiting teachers who were interested in Africa and my life. I kinda like that I can make friends outside of those circles (even though those circles are really great!) But, now that I’m here to stay I feel cautious about entering into new relationships. What if they turn out to be child molesters? Or super needy friends who don’t “get” me? See, I told you my thoughts were all over the place.
I’m also way overloaded on celebrity news, but sadly-it’s addicting. I was in the grocery store today and over the speaker system came news about JLo and Marc and how she’s getting into shape after the twins….blah, blah, blah. Seriously, I’ve got enough on my mind trying to make healthy food choices while Oreos stare me down. I don’t need to hear about how a gorgeous multi-millionaire with a personal trainer is entering a triathalon for a children’s charity.
Anyway, I’m ready to settle down somewhere. I’m feeling desperate and calm at the same time. Yes, it’s possible. The summer travels are over. Yeah! I thought I’d never be able to type that. But, we are still unsure of where the next chapter of our lives will be. We have just started to look seriously for a job. Bryan has sent resumes to a few churches, but we haven’t heard much back. We are talking with a missions organization about working with them, but nothing is certain. I mean NOTHING!! The counselor at the Colorado retreat asked Bryan what was certain in his life. Bryan answered, “I love Jesus and my family.” That’s about as basic as one can get without losing it all completely, right? So, I’m trying to hang on and continue to trust God about our future. (That’s where the calm part comes in.)
Visiting our families was a mixed bag of feelings too. It was SO good to spend time with family. Lots and lots of new, fun and special memories were made. On the other hand, a lot has happened in our parents’ lives during our time in Togo. Divorces…new marriages…girlfriends. All of those changes feel different somehow now that we are living stateside. Where will we spend Christmas? That kind of stuff and deeper stuff that I won’t get into on my blog.
Oh, and the BIG issue…pun intended. I’ve gained weight. Approximately ten pounds. That might not sound like a lot, but it feels like a lot. I hate it when I don’t feel good in my own body - even when I sit up straight I have rolls! Of course exercising has been difficult on the road. Bryan has been a champ and jogged regularly, but I don’t feel safe doing that in unfamiliar places. Or at least that’s my excuse. It’s also hard to eat well when you are at other people’s mercy for meals. All that aside, I still chose to eat ice cream and other naughty treats regularly. I truly have only myself to blame. So, without becoming diet obsessed or a self-hater I’m trying to get back on track this week.
Last but not least, I am missing my granny like crazy. I long for her kind and encouraging words. I’ve cried more in the past two months than I have in the past two years. Please keep my family and especially my grandfather in your prayers.
So, that’s how I’m doing for the moment. I’d LOVE to hear what’s going on with you. I know I’m not the only yo-yo out there. 
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