This week I have been amazed at God grace towards me. It’s an understatement to say that I’ve been in a rut lately in my spiritual life. I’ve allowed myself to sink into self-pity and that’s never a pretty place to wallow. Even though I could objectively look at myself and tell myself, Tracey, this is what you are doing and it’s ugly. I couldn’t or wouldn’t get out until something inside me changed. I wanted to change – to a better version of myself – yet I felt paralyzed. As I was reflecting on my inner attitude this week, I felt the Spirit of God leading me down a thought path that has brought me healing. I’d like to share it with you.
For awhile now, I’ve been concentrating on being grateful. This heart attitude has been difficult enough in and of itself. As many of you know, we are not in the best financial situation right now. However, God has not allowed us to go hungry or naked. I am grateful for his faithfulness. But, just being thankful was not getting me out of my funk. Something else was at work and I couldn’t figure it out. Then I started thinking about being vulnerable with God and asking Him what was the matter with me. His answer both surprised and humbled me.
I am very uncomfortable being in a needy position. Yet, on the other hand, I genuinely love serving other people who are needy. It was revealed to me my hypocrisy: I pride myself on my ability to relate to and accept all kinds of people, but I am unwilling to accept myself when I am in the identical spot. That lead me to question whether I really accept others or do I simply enjoy helping from my position of security? Or is it something deeper yet?…I believe God is asking me accept myself and to fully depend on my identity in Christ for ALL.
For me, the insight has caused me to reflect on Jesus’ life on Earth. Anytime, I’m dealing with something difficult, I always wonder, “When did Jesus face this? How did he handle it?”
This time the answer is simple. He was poor his entire earthly life by choice. He could’ve chosen any lifestyle, but wanted to be poor! The exact opposite of my feelings.
I’ve claimed to be a follower of His for nearly all of my life, but I’ve never really followed Him into poverty before. Not real poverty. (We made the decision to get rid of our credit cards several months ago. Many of you will praise that decision, but it leaves me feeling that there’s no safety net. I’ve never felt this way before – wondering what will happen when the savings run out. We are on a strict budget -no extras-and we think we can make it through July at this rate. I’m not sharing this with you for sympathy, but for you to get a clear picture of what we are currently dealing with.) I am following Jesus with my heart and eyes wide-open now. I am so excited to learn more about His heart and what is truly important to Him. If being poor was good enough for Jesus, who am I?
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Beautiful, Tracey! I love how He has been gracious to you to the point of showing you how to follow Him deeper. It brings tears to my eyes to see how faithful He is being to you and how you are responding by allowing to be taught the lesson. He is being glorified through you. I know He is allowing you and Bryan to go through this for possibly many reasons, but I also know He would allow this just to show this to you….OH, He’s so wonderful. What a father. And you are a daughter with a heart that can’t be hard even when your flesh tries to convince you to. I love you so! He promises to meet our needs even more than the birds of the air and the flowers of the field. I have no doubt He will for your family and for all of us who love Him more than our lives. Poverty for Christ is the richest life of all.
Thank you for you kind words of encouragement, friend. I am thankful for you and the bond we have in Christ!
Thanks for being willing to share the struggles of your life. It always encourages me to let others see in my heart as well.
We look forward to seeing you guys next weekend and pray about God’s future kingdom work!
I’m looking forward to Memphis too! I am prayerfully expectant of what God has planned for us.
Dear Tracey,
I have just caught up on a few of your recent blog posts. What you have shared has blessed me. One of my most poignant memories from Togo are the ones dealing with going without. I know you shared this life, too: living without services, support, resources and access to ammenities of all kinds. Who would have thought that the Lord would bring you there again upon your arrival to the States, via financial without-ness? I hurt for you, but glory in what was revealed to you about the life of Jesus. Indeed, few of us want to walk with him into poverty. Not a fun place to be. May he turn what would normally create stress and anxiety into something beautiful and soul-enriching: deeper love and admiration for him, compassion for others who are perpetually without. May he lead you to a spacious place in your own heart, even before the circumstances change! Thank you for sharing such a sweet revelation. Much love, Jane
Jane, you have been on mind so much lately! I am so happy to see a comment from you, friend! Thank you for your loving words.
Thank you for sharing your journey. I have lifted you in prayer today. Be blessed.