This week I have been amazed at God grace towards me. It’s an understatement to say that I’ve been in a rut lately in my spiritual life. I’ve allowed myself to sink into self-pity and that’s never a pretty place to wallow. Even though I could objectively look at myself and tell myself, Tracey, this is what you are doing and it’s ugly. I couldn’t or wouldn’t get out until something inside me changed. I wanted to change – to a better version of myself – yet I felt paralyzed. As I was reflecting on my inner attitude this week, I felt the Spirit of God leading me down a thought path that has brought me healing. I’d like to share it with you.
For awhile now, I’ve been concentrating on being grateful. This heart attitude has been difficult enough in and of itself. As many of you know, we are not in the best financial situation right now. However, God has not allowed us to go hungry or naked. I am grateful for his faithfulness. But, just being thankful was not getting me out of my funk. Something else was at work and I couldn’t figure it out. Then I started thinking about being vulnerable with God and asking Him what was the matter with me. His answer both surprised and humbled me.
I am very uncomfortable being in a needy position. Yet, on the other hand, I genuinely love serving other people who are needy. It was revealed to me my hypocrisy: I pride myself on my ability to relate to and accept all kinds of people, but I am unwilling to accept myself when I am in the identical spot. That lead me to question whether I really accept others or do I simply enjoy helping from my position of security? Or is it something deeper yet?…I believe God is asking me accept myself and to fully depend on my identity in Christ for ALL.
For me, the insight has caused me to reflect on Jesus’ life on Earth. Anytime, I’m dealing with something difficult, I always wonder, “When did Jesus face this? How did he handle it?”
This time the answer is simple. He was poor his entire earthly life by choice. He could’ve chosen any lifestyle, but wanted to be poor! The exact opposite of my feelings.
I’ve claimed to be a follower of His for nearly all of my life, but I’ve never really followed Him into poverty before. Not real poverty. (We made the decision to get rid of our credit cards several months ago. Many of you will praise that decision, but it leaves me feeling that there’s no safety net. I’ve never felt this way before – wondering what will happen when the savings run out. We are on a strict budget -no extras-and we think we can make it through July at this rate. I’m not sharing this with you for sympathy, but for you to get a clear picture of what we are currently dealing with.) I am following Jesus with my heart and eyes wide-open now. I am so excited to learn more about His heart and what is truly important to Him. If being poor was good enough for Jesus, who am I?
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