“God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. In this way, love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment, because in this world we are like him. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears in not made perfect in love.” 1 John 4 : 16b- 18
I want to share with you a part of my spiritual and emotional journey. It is my hope that God will be glorified and that His name will be praised. He is good.
If you know me well, you know that I’ve had many fears to conquer. A lot of these fears trace back to losing my mother at a young age to cancer. My security was taken away and I felt unsure about almost everything. Before her death, I was a feisty, joyful little person. Afterwards, I became afraid of the most normal things. To begin with, I was afraid of water. I cried when my long hair was washed. I hated summer swimming lessons. One summer, I held up about 30 kids who were waiting in line for 10 minutes as I debated jumping off the high dive. I didn’t do it.
I was afraid of the dark. My sister, Jenny and I shared a room and every night we argued about whether the door should be opened or closed. I had terrible nightmares on a regular basis. Sometimes, I’d go into my parents room for comfort, but usually I’d just lay awake in my own bed paralyzed by fear.
I imagined all sorts of terrible sounds and scenarios if I happened to be home alone. I often ended up racing across the street to our neighbor’s house to wait in safety until my parents came home.
My fear of dogs followed me into young adulthood. During our dating years, Bryan gave me the confidence to confront the scary animals by giving the advice to kick a dog in the nose if one started to attack me. I had never thought of that before that I could actually do something instead of running and screaming. After Bryan’s advice, I still didn’t like to be around dogs, but I didn’t jump on top of kitchen counters anymore.
I was afraid to date. Bryan wins the award for the most patient man on the planet to have put up with me during our courtship. It became a predictable pattern for us to go out on a date on Friday night and then Monday night we would walk around campus and talk about my feelings and how I didn’t know if I could be his girlfriend. It wasn’t that I didn’t like Bryan, I did very much. But, I was afraid to be in a relationship…to be vulnerable.
A whole new set of fears arrived with my first pregnancy. This pregnancy was an unexpected blessing and I really wasn’t prepared emotionally to be a mom. Every day, I wondered if I was doing something to harm my developing baby. I read all the pregnancy books that I could find so I could be informed, but they brought up new fears! On another level, I had serious concerns about the mother/child relationship being a healthy one. I wanted to be a good mom above all and yet due to my past I felt at a loss on how to be one.
At the beginning of our time in Togo, I felt tremendous anxiety about the health of my children. Anytime I saw a mosquito, my mind quickly went down the path of my child dying of malaria. Many times came when they actually did have malaria and I could hardly breath during those few days before the medicine started to work.
There are many other fears that I could describe, but I think you’ve got the picture. My life was full of fear and anxiety deep down. I knew in my head that I needed to stop worrying. Scriptures like Matthew 6 would come to mind and instead of feeling relieved I’d only feel guilty. Knowing that I failed to live up to Jesus’ commands. I poured myself into good works and tried to have a prayerful attitude, but I still came up short.
Then one of my greatest fears became a reality, Graham, then 8 months old starting having seizures. We traveled to Lome to have him evaluated by a pediatrician to begin to figure out what was going on with him. Graham went through a CT scan and a EEG in Lome. It was a stressful time for our entire family. I couldn’t speak much French at that point, so Bryan had the burdens of communicating with the medical staff and trying to be strong for me. I remember laying in bed the afternoon before we received the results from Graham’s CT scan and imagining a million different causes for his seizures. Was it the malaria medication? Was it from that time he hit his head as a baby? Was it something I did wrong during my pregnancy? Was it a brain tumor? And on and on.
I wish I could say that I had an epiphany on that day. That from that moment on I completely trusted in God to handle all of my burdens. But, that’s not what happened. I continued to spiral downward into anxiety and depression. I desperately wanted everything to be okay, but I couldn’t really trust God….not yet. Even after Graham’s seizures were diagnosed and medicated, I feared. Throughout my life, fears had been my constant companions. How would I live without them? Weren’t they a part of my identity? Who would I be without my tragedies? Without my crazy thoughts or panic attacks?
Our great God through his gospel, gently yet insistently asked me to trust him. Sometimes, I’d take him up on his offer to make me new or to calm my fears, but a few days later I’d ask for all of them back. Over time I began to see that I didn’t want him to actually heal me or save me from sin. It was too painful to have the Spirit rooting around in my soul digging up all manner of evil thoughts and prideful actions. It was much easier to recount the actions of others against me than to take any ownership for wrongs that I had done. So, that’s where I lived for a few years.
Thankfully, God didn’t give up! I cannot pinpoint the exact day or hour when my heart surrendered to the Lord. I remember the season of my life well though. I had just struggled through another bout of depression, I was turning thirty, I had just had my third child, and I was reading 1 John A LOT!!! I was weary of living my life in fear and self-pity. Through his grace, God gave me a glimpse of what he wanted me to be…how he really saw me!!!! It was amazing and humbling! In my father’s eyes I am loved and beautiful and he has work for me to do.
Rejoice with me in God’s amazing patience and love for the unloving, ugly and uncooperative!!! If feel like I should put on a disclaimer at this point: I still fall, stumble and sin…of course I do! But, it isn’t like before. I am truly free now…free from the law of sin and death, free to love others, free to give, free to be who he created me to be, free to openly love my Lord. My journey is still at the beginning. With gratitude, I’m eager to go wherever my Jesus wants me to go. Perfect love has driven out fear.
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